L'essential est invisible pour les yeux...

what is essential is invisible to the eyes...

I have been in a funk for a few months now and couldn't quite figure out what was causing me to be withdrawn and grumpy. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks:

I have pushed God away.

I have been waiting for God to move in my life for so long I started to believe that He wasn't going to, that He didn't care about me, that He wasn't listening or interested in the desires of my heart, so I stopped seeking Him. I was disappointed in God for not working on my time line, I was being foolishly selfish. The realization of this truth and the lies I have believed came through reflection on the past few months, wrestling through their purpose with God, and realizing the truth of His love in every moment. He showed me that He has been listening, that He does care, and that He is at work in my life. Even when I turn away from Him he will never leave or forsake me!

I have written in the past about my struggles with being single and my hopes for the future God has for me. God has used the past few months, my free will, and one amazing man, to show me He has been listening to my desires this whole time. He has also used them to reaffirm the necessity to wait for His timing.

I have "fallen in love" with a wonderful man, and am blessed to call him friend, however, he will not be my husband or the father of my children; another man will be the answer to those prayers and desires. As for this man, the fullness of his purpose in my life is to be seen. (I am eager and hopeful for the fruitfulness of God's purposes in both our lives.) He has been an answer to many of my prayers, a glimpse of what the future will hold, and for this I am eternally thankful. Thankful to him and thankful to God for using him in my life to speak truth to my heart. I pray the same would be true for him. God please speak Your truth to his heart through or in spite of me.

Being single for more than five years had caused me to believe there had to be something wrong with me. Through simple things like eating bbq sandwiches, playing with butterflies, exploring a used book store, visiting a library (with a very special book), laughing while singing Hanson music with the windows down on the highway, my eyes have been opened to see how beautiful, intelligent, and worthy of love I am. Our friendship has helped me to face some of my biggest fears as a person, little things really, but things that matter to me. He allowed me to really be me. The silly, slightly more bold than I like to admit, brainy girl I am. For the first time in too long I didn't feel out of place, like I was hiding part of who I am or like I was being judged; I was just me. The imperfect ineffable me. For a few brief moments I tasted the joy that is to come.

I have also learned more about the Lover of my soul, the Reason I am alive, the Lord of my life. I have been tested and tried in many ways . . . and failed in nearly every way. In my failure I have learned more of God's love, grace, and mercy than I know what to do with. I am unworthy of His love, yet he gives it freely, abundantly. He washes me clean and calls me closer to him daily, even when I am too stubborn to see or too "me focused" to receive. He loves me and is daily purifying, renewing, and sanctifying me so I can better serve Him. He is my strength when I am weak, loves me without fail, knows my deepest thoughts and still calls me His. He forgives my iniquities, always. I love the Lord more than I can say, there are no words. I will fail again in the future, I am only human, I pray for the strength and wisdom to strive after God in all things. I pray the Lord will continue to use me in my human struggle to bring Glory to His name.

God's love for me: the greatest love story ever written.