The Joska Report...

I wrote this shortly after my return from Kenya, nearly two years ago. Just found it in the interwebs...

There are many things I could tell you about my time in Kenya. Many things that I would like to share with the world, but there is neither time enough nor words to give justice to the experience. For this reason I will tell of a few brief moments that have impacted me in different ways. Some of my experiences were great God moments, and others were simply times filled with great joy and unexplainable appreciation for God’s creation.

While in Joska we took part in a digging project that will provide much of the village with fresh water from a borehole which will be dug in a central location. Our whole team was working on digging trenches which will house pipeline to feed the water to the villagers in their homes. There was no set work groups, it just worked out that I ended up working with Thomas, Edgar, and David (aka ‘Team W’). We had many discussions about God and the Bible, about how Americans live verses how Kenyans live, about what the Bible says about many things, some which are clearly defined and others which are open for interpretation. One such discussion was about the creation story. I don’t think I have ever thought about this particular story in the detail which we discussed it that day. I’ll spare you the majority of details, but I will share the one part that has stuck with me simply because I found humor in it. We were talking when David says “The Bible says ‘from the earth God created man.’ Well that makes sense for us; (he picks up a handful of dirt) see we match, (he then put the dirt in my hand) but you, you don’t match. How do you explain this?” He asks me. I laughed out loud because this was not something I had ever thought about. The only thing I can think of is that sand is the same color as me, and the red clay of Georgia is the same color as Indians, and there are varying shades of dirt all around the earth, maybe God used different dirt for each one of us? I know it sounds silly, but this brief conversation about dirt really has made me think more about how amazing God is and how he will use anything to bring himself to the center of our lives, even dirt.

Another encounter that has touched me deeper than I can possibly express with my limited vocabulary was the meeting of the young man named John. He is thirteen years old, the oldest of four children, he is roughly the size of an average five year old child, and he spends the majority of his time in the blue box/bucket. John has limited mobility due to his physical handy cap; he is able to drag himself through the strength in his arms, but he is unable to walk due to his stunted growth. He is unable to speak, although I share the belief that he is capable of understanding when people speak to him. He reacted when David and I spoke to him, and he reacted when we prayed for him and his family before we left his home. We went to John’s home to gather information about him and one of his sisters so they can be put on a list of children to be sponsored. While the rest of our group, along with our translator, and John’s family went into the family home for the interview, I stayed outside with John. I felt led to pray for him, and to simply talk with him about God’s love for him and his family. I had a Frisbee which he played with while I talked to him and prayed over him. I don’t know why God sent me to that house, or why he chose to break my heart for this boy (he was not the only handicap child I met while in Kenya). I do know that God is doing a great work through this boy, and I have faith that God will bring him into fullness of life; if not in this life, then when John walks beside Jesus in the Kingdom of Heaven. John is part of my daily prayers, and he consumes many of my thoughts through out my day. I pray I have the opportunity to meet him again in this life, but that isn’t part of Gods will for us, then I look forward to meeting with John again in the next life, where we will laugh and praise God together. He is one person whom I will not soon forget, and I pray that I never do.

I don’t really know how to explain the last encounter I would like to share. Mary-Anne and her mother Cecilia had such a profound impact on my life in a very different way than John or “Team W”, but the words escape me. I met both mother and daughter on the first day in Joska. Mary-Anne and I wondered the school yard for a bit on Sunday during the intermission at church, where I also met Cecilia who invited me to her house not once, but twice that day. She was just as disappointed as I was that I wasn’t able to visit their home that day. I had to leave the second invitation with a promise to try to visit one day that week, knowing that I had NO control over whose homes we would be visiting; I prayed hard that theirs would be one I got to visit. On Tuesday their home was my second stop. I am not sure which of us was happier that I was there, Mary-Anne ran out from the home to greet us, Cecilia hugged me as soon as I was in their yard, and I was bursting with joy. I spent the interview time playing with Mary-Anne and talking with her a bit. She is young and doesn’t understand much English, but I talked with her anyway. Her laughter, well it was enough to heal a lifetime of sadness! When the rest of my group was finished gathering information for sponsorship, Cecilia and I talked for a few minutes before she very proudly showed me their home, which was lovely! Cecilia was very proud, and pleased she was able to share her home with me if only for a minute. We spoke briefly after all had seen their home, then we were off to the next home. I saw Cecilia every day after that and we spoke more about Mary-Anne and the life they have in Joska, as well as about the plans God has for me in the future (husband, children, and the like). I am not really sure why I was drawn to this family so much more than to many of the others, but I am very blessed to have been welcomed into their lives with such warmth and love. They, like John are part of my daily thoughts and prayers, and I hope to meet them again in this life; but if it be God’s will that I wait for the next, then I wait for that day with gladness of heart.

L'essential est invisible pour les yeux...

what is essential is invisible to the eyes...

I have been in a funk for a few months now and couldn't quite figure out what was causing me to be withdrawn and grumpy. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks:

I have pushed God away.

I have been waiting for God to move in my life for so long I started to believe that He wasn't going to, that He didn't care about me, that He wasn't listening or interested in the desires of my heart, so I stopped seeking Him. I was disappointed in God for not working on my time line, I was being foolishly selfish. The realization of this truth and the lies I have believed came through reflection on the past few months, wrestling through their purpose with God, and realizing the truth of His love in every moment. He showed me that He has been listening, that He does care, and that He is at work in my life. Even when I turn away from Him he will never leave or forsake me!

I have written in the past about my struggles with being single and my hopes for the future God has for me. God has used the past few months, my free will, and one amazing man, to show me He has been listening to my desires this whole time. He has also used them to reaffirm the necessity to wait for His timing.

I have "fallen in love" with a wonderful man, and am blessed to call him friend, however, he will not be my husband or the father of my children; another man will be the answer to those prayers and desires. As for this man, the fullness of his purpose in my life is to be seen. (I am eager and hopeful for the fruitfulness of God's purposes in both our lives.) He has been an answer to many of my prayers, a glimpse of what the future will hold, and for this I am eternally thankful. Thankful to him and thankful to God for using him in my life to speak truth to my heart. I pray the same would be true for him. God please speak Your truth to his heart through or in spite of me.

Being single for more than five years had caused me to believe there had to be something wrong with me. Through simple things like eating bbq sandwiches, playing with butterflies, exploring a used book store, visiting a library (with a very special book), laughing while singing Hanson music with the windows down on the highway, my eyes have been opened to see how beautiful, intelligent, and worthy of love I am. Our friendship has helped me to face some of my biggest fears as a person, little things really, but things that matter to me. He allowed me to really be me. The silly, slightly more bold than I like to admit, brainy girl I am. For the first time in too long I didn't feel out of place, like I was hiding part of who I am or like I was being judged; I was just me. The imperfect ineffable me. For a few brief moments I tasted the joy that is to come.

I have also learned more about the Lover of my soul, the Reason I am alive, the Lord of my life. I have been tested and tried in many ways . . . and failed in nearly every way. In my failure I have learned more of God's love, grace, and mercy than I know what to do with. I am unworthy of His love, yet he gives it freely, abundantly. He washes me clean and calls me closer to him daily, even when I am too stubborn to see or too "me focused" to receive. He loves me and is daily purifying, renewing, and sanctifying me so I can better serve Him. He is my strength when I am weak, loves me without fail, knows my deepest thoughts and still calls me His. He forgives my iniquities, always. I love the Lord more than I can say, there are no words. I will fail again in the future, I am only human, I pray for the strength and wisdom to strive after God in all things. I pray the Lord will continue to use me in my human struggle to bring Glory to His name.

God's love for me: the greatest love story ever written.

update...with one year to go here's where we stand

Tasks completed (49/102)

Just for Fun
1. watch the sunrise twice (1/2)
2. watch the sunset three times (0/3)
3. spend an hour looking at the stars twice (1/2)
4. spend a day at the park with nothing but a book
5. dance in the rain
6. read 15 children’s books (12/15)
7. read 20 grown up books (20/20)...if I never read another book about global warming it will be too soon...
8. visit the ocean
9. visit the mountains
10. play in the snow
11. swim in a lake or a river
12. be in two places at once stood on the GA/TN border. there was a sign and everything
13. hike Stone Mountain
14. visit the Atlanta Zoo
15. relax for a half hour at the lakes on CSU campus five times (3/5)
16. take photo booth pictures
17. buy and put together a puzzle (minimum 200 pieces)(its 1000 piece Thomas Kinkad)
Craftiness
18. bake a loaf of bread from scratch
19. find/make a box to store greeting cards in
20. take 1 picture I like every day for 30 days (5/30)
21. make/stuff three pillows (0/3)
22. acquire and re-finish cedar chest
23. put together photo album for Chai and Joska trips (0/2) ( pictures were eaten by my computer so I can not do this :/ )
24. sew duvet cover with fabric of my choice
25. make 10 birthday/anniversary/misc. cards (10/10)
26. frame 3 pictures that I really love (2/3)
History
27. Visit Oakland Cemetery
28. find and visit the oldest church in Atlanta, or Georgia (found it now just have to visit)
29. visit Savannah
30. attend one 1890’s day celebration in Ringgold
In me Casa
31. find 20 things to donate to Lazarus ministry (20/20)
32. keep room tidy for one month
33. cook 3 meals a day for two weeks
34. stay on top of laundry for a month
35. have people over for a home cooked dinner
36. go through boxes at dad’s
37. donate the things I find I no longer want/need
38. start recycling
39. burn CD’s of all my pictures
Fun with Friends
40. girls night out (wear dresses and go to a nice restaurant for desserts)
41. go on a picnic
42. take each of my siblings out to lunch (4/5)
43. go to the drive-inmy 25th birthday celebration :)
44. go rafting/kayaking
45. go camping twice (0/2)
Cultured Living
46. see a play...Cabaret at CSU; The Pajama Game UTC Chattanooga
47. watch 6 foreign films (1/6)
48. stay at a monastery for a weekend
49. watch “The Last Lecture” It was amazing and I would recommend it to you all!
50. go to one museum
51. attend three sporting events (2/3)
52. attend a women’s conference
53. attend 3 parties/shows I wouldn’t normally attend (3/3)
54. try two new kinds of ethnic foods (1/2)
Chicken Soup for the Soul
55. worship at three churches other than mine (3/3)
56. read the whole Bible
57. pray for my family every day for 40 days (0/40)
58. spend a whole day with my father NOT complaining about life
59. send mom 6 hand written notes telling her I love her
60. memorize 15 Bible verses (15/15)
61. and then 15 more (0/15)
Its all about You
62. buy flowers for someone just because I can
63. send care packages to my friends overseas (2/4)
64. work on a Habitat for Humanity project
65. convince someone else to do a 101 in 1001 list (Miss Laurie Works)
66. buy a cup of coffee/lunch for 4 people I don’t know (2/4)
67. give blood
68. tell 5 strangers they are beautiful (5/5)
69. volunteer at an Elementary school for 6 months
70. send out Christmas cards once (by Dec. 10th)
71. volunteer to cook a meal for a family at church
72. sponsor a child Mary-Anne is all mine :)
73. help out with 3 Lazarus/church outreach events (2/3)
From the Lincolns to the Benjamins
74. print pictures from Chai/Joska trips
(cant because my computer ate them! )
75. put aside $5 for every task accomplished (2/101)
76. save $1000 to be spent on nothing
77. find and apply for 3 scholarships (2/3)
78. go sky diving
79. use only cash for one month (no credit/debit cards)
80. visit California
81. visit Colorado
82. visit New York (road trip if possible!)
83. buy one outfit I LOVE
84. contribute ½ of my tax return to my IRA
85. have a 30 day no buy zone
86. buy a beautiful dress
87. buy a new book every two months, put a note in the book about why I liked it, leave it at a random public place for anyone to pick up (1/15)I decided I couldn't do this because I LOVE my books too much!!
From the Inside out
88. read the newspaper 30 times (8/30)
89. watch the news for one hour 30 times (10/30)
90. fast one day per month for duration of 101 in 1001 (0/33)
91. do hair and makeup every day for a month (30/30)
92. wake up by 8 o’clock every day for two weeks when I don’t have to (15/15)
93. be in bed by 10:30 every day for a month (0/30)
94. do pilates every other day for two months (30/30) I have subbed pilates with going to the gym...so far, so good!
95. do pilates for another two months (60/60)
96. go one month without eating fast food (30/30)
97. lose 5 pounds…then another 5 (10/10)
98. eat a salad every day for two months (0/61)
99. go one month without eating sweets (30/30)
100. ask someone out on a date
101. spend one day a month doing nothing but relaxing (13/33)
Things that should have been on the list that weren’t
102. Visit St. Andrews to see Jenn and Brandon


THE ADVENTURE ENDS JUNE 18 2011

With faith I keep walking...

I just looked back at the past few entries I have made. For one I laughed out loud because what I was SO sure of in the moments leading up to writing the post, and even for the briefest time after, is nowhere close to my present reality. I am in fact still in Atlanta, I still work with the same family I have been working for the last two plus years, I am still attending classes at the same university, and I do not live with my aunt and uncle. I thought things would be different than they are, I thought I would be on some grand adventure with God, but I have come to realize this one truth, I am on a grand adventure with God. He is working in my heart and my life to bring glory to his name. I don't have to understand why things are the way they are nor do I have to know what the next chapter of my life will hold. I must simply trust that the Lord knows best and has wonderful things waiting for me.

Since I posted how much my life would be changing it has changed, only in ways I didn't expect. I have an apartment in a nice area of the city where I live alone, which was a terrifying thought at first. I have grown to enjoy this situation for the most part. The only time I really mind not coming home to someone is after a long week when I want to have a meal with someone, snuggle on the couch, and watch a movie. These things are in my future, I just have to wait on God's timing.

I have moved into a stronger position of leadership in my church as more and more responsibility is coming my way. I am happy to be in a place to be used as an example or encouragement for my fellow Christians. I have felt like a small child for the past five years, and finally feel as though I am now an adolescent (adulthood is something that comes with MUCH more wisdom and experience than I now have). I by no means think that I am anywhere close to being perfect, in fact I am FAR from it, but I am striving to be the person God has called me to be and that says something about the work God has been doing in me.

Even though I am filling more of a leadership role, and my impact on our church members has grown, I feel the slightest pull away from my home. The pull is gentle but constant. I feel drawn to a new church that was planted out of our church in the later part of last year. The appeal comes in the form of a smaller, tightly knit community that has welcomed me in. These are people who are seeking God for their lives as well as their communal purpose in the city and the world. These people have matured enough in their walks to be able to help support the people around them, which is something I desperately need. I don't know if or when I will make a full break from my home church but I do know I appreciate the community I am a part of in the new church.

I still have a heart for the world and desire for every nation to turn to Christ as their saviour, however I no longer believe the only way I can make a difference in the world is to live in a third world (or other developed) nation. I live in the middle of Atlanta, surrounded by people from all around the world who are hurting and in need of the love of Christ. If I can't love on people here then why would I be any more effective in some other country? I do believe that God will provide work for me outside of the United States at some point in the future, but I no longer believe that I have to wait to leave the country to fully serve the Lord.

That being said, I love China and the Chinese people with all my heart. I didn't understand the depth of my love until this past January. While at a conference the Lord revealed to me that my heart breaks for these people in a couple of ways...ways I did not expect at all. I don't think I have ever cried while looking at a book of photographs from a town I have never been, or a video diary of a person I have never met, but I did this day. I wept at the sight of a town in China I have never been, the faces of people I have never met, a nation I love without understanding. I am still baffled by the emotion brought forth by these images and the stories associated with them.

The strongest desire God has ever given me is to be a wife and a mother. In the past six months this desire has been intensified...in part to do the increased number of people in my community who have gotten married and are now having babies. This is the thing that is hardest to trust the Lord for, or rather to have patience in trusting the Lord. I have learned in the past year or so that I am the kind of person who enjoys immediate satisfaction. When I want something I want it now...this is a bad trait, and the Lord is working on me. I believe that I will be a wife and a mother, and when I am I pray I honor God in both roles.

I don't pretend to know the plans God has for my life. I would be a fool to say for sure that God was going to do things XY and Z. I do know that His ways are superior to mine, that he loves me, and that I am walking in obedience to His call. There isn't much else I can do. God is good, even when we don't feel it, God is good. And, I love how much I ramble given any opportunity to try and process the thoughts I have in my head :]

God. Is. Good.